Frustrations

A decade ago, I am sure that I was training for a half-marathon. My goal was to run a full marathon by the time I turned 40 and this goal was completed when I ran the Detroit Marathon in 2016. It was not fast and pretty, but I completed it. When I started to tweak a few muscles, I thought I would stay active and converted to various other activities. There was a rail to trails near our previous house which provided many miles to travel on my bicycle once my body had other thoughts on running. I kept cycling until I fell of my bike backwards into a ditch. At this time I decided it was no longer safe to cycle by myself, but my doctor at the time could not say what the reasoning was behind my imbalance. I would have to wait another 5 years for a diagnosis of ataxia.

One of my biggest frustrations is in realizing I cannot do some of the things that I used to do. I see others running on the sidewalk or the road and I wish for some strange reason I could do that again. I hike over a mile now and feel the fatigue that this disease brings on. Uneven ground and stairs especially require me to be slower and more intentional. My daughter moved this past weekend, and I had to sit and watch as everyone moved the heavy furniture. Not that I wished to move the furniture, but it would be nice not to worry about a mis-step. I was grateful to be able to help vacuum and clean. However, vacuuming a large room should not make you tired. Once the truck was loaded, I was able to drive the U-Haul to their new location.

I recently read Jeremy Renner’s book, My Next Breath, which is encouraging. I may not have been run over by a snowcat, but there are somedays I feel like I was. His reminder that everyone is connected is hopeful. In the face of his adversity he found hope in others.

Some days I may stumble and it is a good reminder I must slow down and ask for help. For hope can be found in others.